Giving What you Didn’t Get

Posted on by Carl Weber

They were a little late to the Zoom call. Technical issues.

They were nervous. You could hear it in their voice.

They won the contest at a recent supervisory training.

The prize was a one on one with me.

“I want you to know that I listened to everything during the training. I started applying it right away.”

They have been in this industry a while. It’s not glamorous work. It is hard work.

They were used to doing things the way someone else taught them. How to do the work, how to speak to others, how to give orders, how to set the standard, how to provide correction.

“I didn’t realize that my employees needed something different. I’ve been just doing what I have been doing for years.”

They never thought about their own style.

They never thought about their employees’ style.

They just gave what they were given.

Then it all changed.

“I realized how often I am just correcting others. How often I point out what is wrong, tell them how I would do it, and make them do it my way. No questions, no feedback, just telling. I never considered “how it feels on the other side of me” as you challenged us.

I suddenly understood that I was the problem. My style, my approach, my choice of words, how I was taught to do this job – all of it. It was not what they need from me.”

Within days they met with every employee. More questions than directives.

What did they need?

What was getting in the way of doing the job well?

“I also took seriously your challenge to “go find what is right” and tell my employees about it.”

They found what was right. They told them.

Barking orders stopped.

Engagement.

Latitude on decisions and process started.

Two-way conversations.

Insight and new ideas on how to do the work.

They started to give differently.

“My biggest takeaway is realizing that I was giving exactly what I got, instead of giving what I didn’t get.”

Giving what you didn’t get.

Giving more than what you got.

Giving especially what you didn’t get.

Where can you give what you didn’t get?

In this season of giving, maybe this is what we all need.

Let’s all try to give something that we didn’t get.

Let’s start today.

Decidedly Different: A riff about workplace culture

Posted on by Carl Weber

Jessie Cozart, Justin Patton, Christopher Roberts, Hunter Cozart, and Danielle Mussman.

The “Magic” behind Local’s Raw Bar

https://www.facebook.com/people/Locals-Raw-Bar/100091781995548/

I’m in the middle of preparing a talk for an upcoming leadership program.

I have presented before this group before, but they are looking for something different.

Something new.

Something fresh.

In my little notebook I sketched out the talk. Ideas that would challenge them on the impact that Culture has on recruitment, retention, and productivity.

I could already hear the opposition.

“You don’t understand the constraints we have.”

“This is how we were treated and trained.”

“In this industry, we cannot change the way things are.”

I needed an example, but serious writers block set in.

Lunch seemed like the appropriate remedy.

I wanted something different, and did a little search.

We arrived, but it was closed. I neglected to check the hours and the fact that a few days a week they are “out fishing.”

Hunter greeted us at the door. It was his place, and he was excited to tell us about the food, and the fish that was coming in the following day. We made plans to return (when it was open).

We sat at the bar. We could see everything happening in the kitchen.

The greeting, seating, chopping, slicing, sushi rolling, frying, mixing, plating, and serving.

Something was different.

There was flow.

There was timing.

There was fun.

There were minor adjustments.

There was respect.

Everyone had a part to play.

Everyone was part of this team.

The mezmerizing symphony played out before our eyes.

The food was amazing, but the culture was just as memorable.

We returned a second time.

They remembered us and greeted us.

The cultural symphony played again.

We returned again. Third time in a week is a charm right?

This time I had to ask.

I had to understand why this was so different.

Jessie came over and gave us some of their story.

Young local couple works in a high end restaurant in a big City.

They learn lots of skills, but see the culture: big egos, yelling, disrespect and negative Culture.

They move to another City, another high end restaurant.

More Skills.

More of the same Culture.

They decide to make a change.

They move back home.

They start something new.

They leverage their skills, but decide to create a different Culture.

Respect, Fun, and Passion.

Something new.

Something fresh.

Exactly the example I needed.

It takes courage to go against the Culture of your industry.

It takes courage to try something new.

How can you be Decidedly Different with your workplace Culture?

How can you leverage the skills, but have the courage to abandon the negative parts that don’t serve you or your staff?

Based on the crowds on our fourth visit, I would say it is well worth the risk.

A moment of Empathy and a Lifetime of anger

Posted on by Carl Weber

It was in April of 2019 when my brother called with the news.

My father passed away.

I knew he was sick.

I chose not to reach out.

It had been years since we spoke.

I would turn 50 later that year.

That equated to about 45 years of anger.

During the two-plus hour drive with my brother, I counted.

9 times.

Since I was a child, I only saw or interacted with him 9 times.

That’s it. 9 times.

During that drive, my mind wandered to me as a child, angry, sad, and feeling less than.

How could I feel to much for someone that was essentially a stranger?

The closer we got, the more these emotions rose to the surface.

We found the apartment.

Small. Crowded. Cluttered. Messy.

Filled with medical supplies.

Two pages of medicine.

PTSD. Anxiety. Depression.

A hard life, especially at the end.

A story told through mountains of paperwork.

A high school car accident that killed his mom (he was driving).

An alcoholic father that never let him forget what he did.

A sniper in an unpopular war.

A divorce (one of many).

A lifetime of struggles.

A lifetime of untreated illness from childhood and military emotional scars.

A few photos.

A smile I had never seen.

A young child before it all happened.

A face before all the pain.

I went though a program after that time in the apartment where you look at a picture of yourself as a child and visualize that being, and it’s true essence. During that program, I got to sit down with my earlier self, and just sort of hang out, connect, and reconcile with that earlier version of myself.

This part of that program was about empathy, but instead of starting with others we start with ourselves. Reconciliation from within first.

I got to meet and connect with the version of me before all of my own emotional scars.

A few years later I found a song.

I hope you know
You don’t have to say you’re sorry
You don’t have to live with the heartache you keep
‘Cause I don’t need no apologies
No apologies

Papa Roach

Then I found the meaning behind the song.

I found the pictures again.

I saw that small boy, before everything else happened.

Empathy washed over me.

Life is hard, and his was especially hard.

Empathy started melting away all those years of anger.

As I write this, I began to visualize something new.

The two of us as kids.

Hanging out.

Smiling.

My younger self looking at him and saying those words.

I forgive you.

‘Cause I don’t need no apologies.

Do what You love

Posted on by Carl Weber

“I Do What I Love.”

I turned off my head phones.

It was during my post-run walk and I still had my music on.

I almost missed it.

I asked again just to make sure.

I Do What I Love.”

She lives next door.

She grew up with our kids.

We have little chats when she is walking the dog or after my runs when she is outside.

This time she was playing basketball on the curb.

“I love basketball.”

“I love music.”

“I also love dance.”

“That is a great list of things you love.”

She beamed.

She took a few steps back.

The music was playing.

She paused and planted her feet.

Now watch this!”

It was a choreographed masterpiece.

A few moves back and forth.

Dance steps towards the basket.

A full 360 spin.

Raised arms with the ball.

Swoosh.

Score.

“It’s better when you combine what you love.”

I couldn’t help but clap.

I thanked her and finished my walk home.

As I turned into my driveway, she called out one last time.

Remember, Do What You Love!

As I am writing this, I caught a glimpse of her Mom out walking the dog this morning.

Little does she know that her daughter provided such wisdom for me, and for all of us.

Thank you little neighbor for leading the way.

Do What You Love.

And when you can combine them, it gets even better.

Old Tracks

Posted on by Carl Weber
Photo courtesy of Robin Lake

We make progress.

We learn to respond, not react.

We practice better habits.

We are not the same as before.

We forge new mental pathways.

We forget the old emotional reactions.

We forget the old pain.

We forget the old tracks.

We haven’t used the old tracks in years.

But the old tracks remain – overgrown, almost hidden from view.

We walk through new pain or trauma.

We experience fear and anger.

We overreact.

We lose ground.

We are hurt.

We find ourselves speeding down the old tracks.

Recently, I was speeding down the old tracks.

I thought I had moved beyond these old tracks, these old ways of thinking and reacting.

All those years of progress and hard work seems to disappear instantly.

The progress didn’t disappear. My brain and my emotions simply found those old tracks and they were so familiar and so self-preserving. The old tracks in my mind – a protective response to recent pain.

I didn’t even realize I was on the old tracks until I was talking it through with two of my best friends on my couch. Those old tracks became the default mental pathway again and everything was being filtered through that lens. Even though the pain was gone, the echos or memories of that pain still took the old tracks to view, react, feel, and interpret events.

How are your old tracks?

How have recent events, pain, or trauma caused a return to these old tracks, patterns, or reactions?

Recognizing these old tracks is a good first step.

Mythology

Posted on by Carl Weber

It was good to hear their voice. We were catching up on a recent phone call. We are related, have known each other for most of our lives, and it has been a while since we talked. Their voice was familiar but different. Time has a tendency to change things.

Lots of topics. Work, life, and struggles. We spoke of our parents. Resolved and unresolved issues. Loss and times of reconciliation and times when we did not or could not reconcile before the end.

“Things got a lot easier for me when I simply saw my parents as people. People who struggle, not on some pedestal.”

Their reframing was helpful. We also spoke about the stories we heard growing up. The stories that shaped us. Some of the stories were supposed to be inspiring. Some of the stories were supposed to provide a warning. Some stories were for fun. Some stories were more serious. There were always stories.

These collective stories were really part of something else.

Mythology.

Mythology is a set of stories or beliefs about a particular person, institution, or situation, especially when exaggerated or fictitious.

Mythology was exactly what we experienced.

Sets of stories and beliefs.

Exaggerated and fictitious accounts.

Mythology that shaped us, our views, our opinions, and our beliefs.

“People do have a tendency to put themselves (and sometimes others) in the best light.”

This new frame helped us both. We see the Mythology clearly and understand some of the motivation behind it. Attempts to teach, to assist, to cover-up, to deal with pain and issues, to inspire hope in dark times.

We all have Mythology.

Our Mythology shaped us, but it may be fictitious.

Our Mythology might have served us, but it may be time to look beyond those stories.

How has your Mythology limited you and created barriers?

How can recognizing this Mythology help you move forward?

For me, simply recognizing Mythology was a great first step in clearing out some of the mental baggage we all carry.